08/18/13

A night of music and reflection, with an occasional lyric that makes my heart hurt because it get right down to the dark place I carry around with me.  This is how the past few Sunday nights have been.  I'm not sure I like it, but I'll be fine.  I'll get over it.  I'll go on about my way.

07/30/12

This poem popped into my head the other day; I've been thinking about since.  I didn't remember all of it, but there were some parts that stuck out.  I searched for it, found it, read it, and decided to share.  Here you go.

The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniel

07/15/13

Today's been a little emotional draining. Mood swing extravaganza.

It started this morning with something as stupid as IT issues on a Monday morning - kinda set the pace for the day.  Several people seemed kinda needy... really, that's nothing new, but today it didn't help things.

Sometimes, if people would take a second and look over work stuff BEFORE they start asking me questions, I wouldn't get so annoyed.  I'm not perfect, I know.  However, sometimes they just get all hyped up, rather than taking a methodical approach to figure something out for themselves.  AHHHH.  Where I'm one who doesn't ask a question until I've exhausted every which way I know how...

But I'm always there, ready to help, willing to lend a hand... because that's my nature.  And I won't turn anyone down... I expect the same out of others (except sometimes I get let down).

And from annoyance leads to a dismal feeling about the state of things... the world around me.  I think I need to take a break from the news for a while.  Sometimes, I wish I could live a life - head stuck in the sand.  Why does everything have to seem so shitty?  Sometimes, it just feels like there's nothing to look forward to in the world.  So much division, so much fighting.  Why the fuck can't we just get along?  Thinking about this stuff made me downright weepy around lunchtime.  I didn't, but I wanted too.

Then, I left work in a rush - clocked out at 5:01.  Got the hell out of there.  Went to a birthday dinner for a while.  Saw my dad for a little while during and after.  I love my dad.  He's the best dad ever.  He gave me green beans they cooked -- fresh from the garden.  I forgot his zucchini bread and his t-shirt.  At least I remembered get my brother's chocolate to him this time.

I did my best to keep my cool, the best I know how... whether it be sending a passive aggressive complainy text message to a person or who outside of the situations, keeping my mouth shut, taking deep breaths, or going up to one of my co-workers bending down to whisper a complaint, then lightly bang my head against her desk to display my frustration (which kinda makes us both laugh), and sometimes pretending I didn't hear what was being said hoping someone else would field that query.

That worked, until I got home... I cried a little.  Sometimes I just need to get it out of  my system.  It does make me feel a little better. Tears for humanity, or the lack thereof though... kinda depressing.

07/14/13

That moment when you kinda know you've "listened" to a song several times over the years, but then you LISTEN to it and it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Yeah, that just happened.
David Gray - Red Moon - Album: Lost Songs

07/07/13

"But the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favors, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them. The moon affects her as it does a woman, he thought.”

---the Old Man's view of the sea, Ernest Hemingway---The Old Man and the Sea.

06/18/13

Had a dream I met a dude I really liked. He was an actor.  Apparently he was gay and I wasn't picking up on it. Walking around one night, we were talking.

He says, "I play all of my lead characters the same way........Gay. Because that's what I am.......Gay.

I reply, "This happens to me too many times in life."

Fin.

06/12/13 - Music is my religion.

I totally don't mean to be a total, annoying Jason Isbell fan girl, but I'm still kinda new to him. I've been infatuated with him since I saw him open for Ryan Adams. His new album, released yesterday, is one of those works that makes me feel like I've been to church when I really needed it...an overwhelming sense of release and relief, a weight off my shoulders, and tears to my eyes. It's beautiful. Or maybe I'm just emotional. But seriously, go listen to this...

05/20/13

For a Monday, this hasn't been the worst of Mondays...but this afternoon has made me feel kinda on edge. 16 more minutes and I can get out of here.

05/16/13 (posted 05/19/13)

It's been a while. I haven't felt like I've had much to say, even those my head is screaming at me, at times. 

Anywoo...this isn't really the place for those things.  I guess I'll leave this with a quote for tonight.

I read this passage the other day in "Tender Is The Night." I wanted to read something else by Fitzgerald...Gatsby was the only thing I've read previously. I bought the book months ago, but was caught up in a bit of Hemingway and smut reading mania. 

Anyway, this passage caught my eye...not that I've ever been in love (Like, yes. Lust, yes. But sadly, I suppose, never love.). It does seem to go through the motions, when observing other people's relations. However, I do like the happier stages best...don't we all?

"They were still in the happier stage of love. They were full of brave illusions about each other, tremendous illusions, so that the communion of self with self seemed to be on a plane where no other human relations mattered. They both seemed to have arrived there with an extraordinary innocence as though a series of pure accidents had driven them together, so many accidents that at last they were forced to conclude that they were for each other."

And although this passage isn't a part of a necessarily ideal situation...or even honorable. It's still a nice feeling to feel a connection of some kind...even if the situation is imperfect, I suppose.

02/17/13

I'm not having a great day today.  General state of wonkiness.  I didn't sleep well.  Once I did sleep, I woke up late.  I felt like half the day was already over.  I wasn't going to shower, but then I did...so, at least I did that much.  I wanted to get lunch with someone, but by the time I got mid-text I deleted it because usually spur of the moment doesn't work out and I don't feel like going far.  Usually formal plans have to be made... I was going to go out by myself, but I can be by myself at home all the same and well...I don't need to be tempted to spend money and I don't need to waste the gas. But, I'll be off Friday for a "super-happy-fun day" with Robin (and Luke Bryan), so I'll just wait until then. I'm going to watch history documentaries and biographies on Netflix... because the programming on TV channels related to those topics are horrendous anymore.  And maybe, eventually I'll feel like eating something more substantial today.

02/14/13: Part 2

I may need to avoid Facebook today - that's already about to make me puke.

02/14/13

Obligatory "Grrr, I hate Valentine's Day post."  Secretly (or not so secretly), I want to love it.

I didn't get yesterday's mail in until this morning.  My mom delivered a card to my mailbox at some point.  I bought myself my box of Dove truffles a couple weeks ago; I got her a box of Dove truffles too (at Christmad she was all about the Dove truffle Christmas tree.  She said she said her valentine's people usually wait until it's too late to buy them and they're sold out...
Kandi got me a white scarf that I've been looking for and some Reese Peanut Butter hearts. YAY.  I'm wearing my scarf and the shirt I want to wear it with tomorrow.  

However, I can't have my chocolate until after Lent though... poor planning on my part.  Oh well.

I had the idea that I was going to make a red velvet poke cake for work, but when I went to buy red velvet mix, I couldn't find any.  I was mainly doing it for one gal who has been working from home...she comes in to work maybe twice a month now.  But then secretly, I was kind of glad that I couldn't find any red velvet cake mix because it's Valentine's Day and it's cliché and I didn't want to be one of those people.

Then I thought about just doing cupcakes... and then I was like NO, I'm not giving in.  I hate Valentine's Day (even though I secretly want to love it).

Newlywed gal on our team is off work today because she wanted to take off for Valentine's Day.  Well, blah to that... (even though I secretly want to do the same thing if I had someone around to spend it with).

Oh well... If you're in love and are all "Yay, Valentine's Day."  Good for you; I'm secretly happy for it.  But I'm going to ignore your happiness and not tell you Valentine's Day.

Happy Thursday.

02/12/13

I haven't had much to say lately, but I haven't given up.

Today's thought:  Sometimes a lady just needs to read a smutty book... and that's what I'm doing.  Thank you, Megan Hart.

01/30/13

I had my right leg laser procedure yesterday.  So, I expect another two weeks of what I experienced with my left leg.  I am starting to tell a difference with my right leg, but it will still take time for things to go away completely.  I'll be glad to get it all done, healed, and able to exercise more vigorously again.  I'll have the next few days off work.  I'll spend my time with TV (history documentaries on the DVR), reading, crafts, and light chores when I need to get up and walk around.  That's about all I have for now.

01/24/13

Umm, so while I didn't need it, I totally bought some stuff tonight... I got all NOLA'ed out looking at the Fleurty Girl website!  I've followed @FleurtyGirl on Twitter since August 2012 Hurricane Issac - praying it didn't turn into another Katrina.  I had never really looked at the website until the past couple of days when I "liked" the FB page...

Well, I bought myself this t-shirt:  Sin. Repent. Repeat. Tee

How can you totally not love this tee?  "Sin.  Repent.  Repeat."

AND...This cookie cutter:  Fleur-de-lis Cookie Cutter w/ Handle

Cookie time!!!!

AND...these car magnets:  FDL Car Magnet, Peace, Love, Jazz Car Magnet

I've been in love with this car magnet for days!!!

Love it!!

01/22/13

Apparently it was October-ish 2012 when I thought I'd try my hands at writing a bit of a short story...  I started, but it's not done.  It feels a bit cheesy.   At the same time, I still like the opening.  It's sweet.

Also, one time I was asked, "Have you ever considered a career in erotica?"  I'm not sure if said person was being 100% serious, but I like to think so.  So what I consider sweet in the opening paragraphs start to go off in a naughtier direction (but still in a sweet, gentle way).  However, I'm going to keep that part to me though...a release of my imagination - if I so choose to finish this.  I never really got all the way to that part.  I lost my mojo, I suppose.  Anyway... here's a start...

“A warm, sunny day this time of year is too good to waste indoors,” she says while he locks the door.  He was not too keen on going to “the country” for the day, but he had to admit her suggestion in spending, what would probably be, the last nice Indian Summer day together was a good one.  She stepped down off the bottom step, while he pushed the storm door tightly shut.  As he turned around, he caught a glimpse of her floral sundress moving in the breeze, knowing she wore it to drive him crazy.  It was feminine and demure; a side that she usually does not reveal.  There were so many dimensions to this one.  With her, he never knew what he was going to get, and that excited him. The reality of it is that life could be bland, at times. She brought out a certain undeniable energy in him that made him feel confused, but alive.  She throws her keys to him, and walks to the passenger side.  “You’re driving.”

He opened her door; she smoothed the backside of her dress and slide into the passenger side. He secured the door behind her. His gentlemanliness made her smile and feel special, like she as the only one who mattered, at least for this moment.  He entered the car, adjusted the mirror, and then drove down the street for their day getaway together.  She reached out for his hand; he gave it to her......

01/21/13

So, when I have nothing else to ramble about I may use this website:  100 Jump Starters to Cure Writers Block to get me in a writing/blogging mood.  I mean, it's still rambling, right?  I think it may be a little more focused, constructive, and may develop into something else if I want it to - not that I care if it does or not.  I just want to be a little more creative.

I finally finished my friend, Casey's, birthday gift - it's a little belated.  I delivered it to her last night.  I'm really into ribbon wreaths right now.  It's a craft I'm actually good at.  Purple is her favorite color - and the C... because her name is Casey.

I made some copycat Olive Garden Zuppa Toscana soup yesterday, with a side of toasted italian bread - I drizzled a little olive oil over it.  It was yummy and yay for yummy leftovers.  I never cook nice things for myself during a work week, and rarely am I home long enough on the weekends to cook much either.

I was in a soup mood last week.  I also made a really nice French onion, with a half sandwich:  Grilled Muenster and Provolone cheese.  I can't remember if I posted anything about this.

And today, I'm back to work for 6 business days.  Tuesday, Jan 29th - I'll be off again for another round of the EVLA in my right leg.  I'll be off for another 4 days.

01/19/13

I hate it when I get all sad, blah, and self-loathing. I really have no reason to be like that, but I guess I'm human and a work in progress.

01/18/13: Part 2

In a less selfish, whiny post... This was on my mind the other night too.  There are lots of people (family and FB world) who are going through some really tough stuff.  So really, while I feel like my world is ending some days because I don't have everything I want out of life by the time I'm 31 (in April), most of my problems are minuscule compared to theirs.  So, I need to keep things in perspective and realize that it could always be worse.  I feel bad in what ended in self-pity, lonely feels and stuff earlier.

01/18/13

I'm ready to go back to work because I miss people, not because I miss work.  I think I didn't go crazy any sooner is because I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with a regular schedule of pain pills and sleeping.  Thursday was my completely coherent day.  Maybe today, if I hadn't gotten a taste of freedom, I would have been content at hermitage the rest of the weekend.

I had my follow up doctor appointment today - lasers did what they were supposed to do, according to the ultrasound results of my legs, and the tech and doctors review of the results.  I have the most soreness in my inner thigh - which will be normal the way the veins branch out and the process in which they will "die out," so to speak.  They will follow up to see how my left leg looks the day of my right leg procedure - Yep, I get to do all this again on Jan 29th.

After my appointment I made a few stops.  I went to Hobby Lobby - ribbon was still on sale at 50% off.  I had a return to make at JoAnn's.  I went to the Liquor Barn - I was looking for this:


but I don't actually think it's a real thing, at least in these parts.  I went to Trader Joe's for some salsa I like from there. I browsed a few minutes at World Market - I want ALL THE MONEY to buy ALL THE THINGS from there.  After that, I was exhausted.

I got home and sat around for a little while - I decided I was achy, but I wanted more freedom.  I was going to go to the Dollar Tree, then take myself on a Forever Alone date to see "Silver Linings Playbook."  I made it to Dollar Tree - that's it.  My leg hurt.  I just did too much today.  Soon, I'll take a pain pill (I assure you, there is nothing to worry about - I take them as prescribed and I haven't had one in since Wednesday), an Aleve, turn the TV on and drift off to sleep about 30 minutes after I do the other stuff first.


Best thing about today - I got to take off my not so sexy thigh high compression stocking and take a real shower!  Best shower ever!

2nd best thing about today - At the gas station, I was getting coffee.  When I looked up at the donuts, there were like 3 cops standing at the donut stand, 1 of them shoving donuts into a bag...Always a hilarious stereotype.

Worst thing about today - My current mood.  I'm a bit sad bastardy because I kind of want people around and its too late for that and I really wanted to see that movie, but I didn't have the stamina.

But I'm going to go to bed soon so I'll sleep it off.  It doesn't really matter anyway. And tomorrow is another day - and I have to go out into public again anyway.  With my mom, to a lapband surgery seminar - to be supportive since I've been through all that too.

01/16/13

Don't watch YouTube for video of med procedures.  That's the same as saying, "Don't go to WebMD because it only leads to cancer."

Monday night, I knew better but I watched a video of the EVLA procedure I was going to have done.  I had read up about it.  I knew in the written word what the procedure would entail, but I wanted to see it.  It looked weird. I think the part that freaked me out was knowing that I would be awake while they shoved this tiny thin wiry looking thing up my leg.

My dad picked me up yesterday at 6:30.  I was taken back to a room in the doctor's office at 8 AM.  My CNA, Diane, and I started off the day with laughs.

Diane:  How are you today?  Are you ready to get the party started?
Me (hesitant):  I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Me:  Oh, I watched a YouTube clip last night.  It looked weird.
Diane:  OOOOOH, you're one of those?!  *laughter*
Me:  I knew better, but I did it anyway.
Diane:  Well, don't you worry.  We'll show you it's nothing like that video.  The worst part will be the shots and you'll get a funny taste in your mouth when the laser starts.  You just have to tell us what that taste is. 

She told me to undress, below the waist.  Put on the gown, booties and my lovely bouffant cap.  She came back in and put a topical numbing cream on my leg.  It sat for about 15 minutes.

They took me in the laser room. She and the surg tech lady, Cathy, started the prep and draping my leg.  Prep time took the longest.  The actual procedure was 15 minutes at most.  Diane and Cathy eased my nerves.  Dr. George walked me through every step.  We listened to good 80s tunes.

Dr. George:  How are you doing up there?  Are you ok?

Me:  I'm doing fine.  The shots are indeed the worst.  I'm just trying to remember to breath.
Cathy:  I'll grab your toe to distract you every time there's going to be a new stick.
Oddly, that helped.  A few minutes later...

They were right... The shots of lidocaine to numb my leg were the most painful part.  The first one was a doozy - a very high concentrated dose.  It stung.  There were like 6-7 more up the leg. I felt the initial puncture for the catheter to the vein but I couldn't feel the catheter being inserted into my leg. 

Dr. George:  How are you now?
Me:  I'm just fine - I'm just lounging while you do your thing.

Dr. George:  Good, because we have the catheter inserted and are starting the laser.

About a minute later
Me:  garlicky broccoli - that's the flavor in my mouth.

I proceeded to watch some of the procedure on the screen, but mostly just laid back and shut my eyes.  I expected to be here for 2 to 2 1/2 hours...  I was done in 1 and 1/2 hours.  By 9:30, my dad and I were back in the car.  

We had to go get a pain pill prescription filled. I walked around as I was told to do - to avoid blood clots.  I've been alternating between walking around the house, doing some household duties, sitting and elevating, watching some TV, doing another walk through the house, elevating more and working on crafts, and popping the occasional Aleve and pain med to keep it in my system.  Once the numbing meds started to wear off, the discomfort I feel was exactly what was described - a little bit of throbbing/pressure and a feeling of a stretchy rubber band.

Oh, and I'm wearing a one leg compression hose chap, that I can't take off for 3 days/nights.  It's oh so sexy. I can't shower until Friday.  So, whore bath, it is.  HAHAHA! (Sorry for my vulgarity).   I have a follow up appt on Friday, which I can shower beforehand, but then I have to put this damn compression chap back on.  After Friday, I'll only have to wear it during the day.  

Most importantly, the pain I've been feeling will be gone much before the veins - I should feel these changes in the next two weeks.  It will take about 2-3 months for all the veins to disappear. By spring, I should be good to go --I can't wait to even feel comfortable wearing capris all day too!  

It really was not a bad process, but I also psyched myself out a bit because I watched the video.  Sometimes you just don't know what is going to happen.  But I made it home, safe, resting, walking slowly to protect my legs from clots.  No vigorous activity for two weeks per leg (right leg happens on the 29th).  

01/14/13

ELVA - Endovenous Laser Ablation

I was going to have this done back in the summer of 2010, but I lost my health insurance. Since then, the discomfort and appearance of my varicose veins not subsided, actually much worse depending on the day. After I started exercising more regularly in the past year, I've felt increased discomfort. It's not really a pain... It's and annoying, achy, trobbing discomfort that goes on for hours after physical activity. I decided I needed to rethink having the procedure done back in early Fall 2012.

And yes, I also mentioned appearance also. 70% discomfort, 30% vanity. I am not above the vanity part. I want to wear shorts again in the summertime. I kinda like my calves. Weird, but they don't look bad - except for my veins. I want to wear a swimsuit, without feeling like I need to keep my thighs completely covered. I don't want to feel self-conscious about my legs, that no one else probably cares about.

I've had my appointments scheduled since my doctor visit in the fall. My health insurance isn't great, but I need to get this done. Tomorrow is the day for leg #1. My left leg is by far the worse of the two. I can't wait for the veins to disappear. Leg #2, it comes two weeks later.

No vigorous activities for the next month, pretty much. I'll have to be more religious about wearing my compression hosiery....sexy times, yo! Hahaha!

I just want to, physically and mentally, feel better. That's the bottom line.

01/11/13

Made some dinner and worked on crafty Pinterest pursuit (a ribbon wreath) tonight. Decent end to a long week... And a possible full week off next week (unless I feel up to going in to work. I believe I'll probably take all week though....just because I'm a bit burnt out.

Also, if you get a chance to view some uncloudy sky, be sure to glance upward for a while... The view was beautiful. It just sucks that even where I am in the country, there is still a ton of light pollution.

01/10/13

This is not going to make any sense, except to me.  Just a cryptic, rough night.  That's all.  And I felt I needed to blog something because it's been a few days.

While I regret nothing, I feel a touch of emptiness.  The level of confidence I used to feel was tied to something that isn't really there now...  Not that the something was anything that could last.  I miss the way I felt when it was there.  I felt powerful, desirable, beautiful.  Now, I feel nothing of the sort.  And I know that what I'm feeling at this moment will also pass... And I'll be fine.     

I'm already thinking to myself that this post is pretty fucking stupid - and I need to suck it up.  Oh well, I'm going to post it anyway.

01/05/13

I'll preface this by... if you know me, this is not the first time you've heard this out of me. SORRY.

Sometimes I get lonely.  Sometimes I'm perfectly fine with being alone.  I know that I'm never really alone... I have family and friends.  I mean alone, in this sense, only means that I don't have the companionship of a gentleman person.

Sometimes, I think I'd like to be married, settled down (not that I'm sowing wild oats, by any means), and committed to one person for the rest of my life.  Other times, that level of commitment freaks me the hell out.  Sometimes, I like knowing that I can do whatever the hell I want to do, whenever I want to do it with no one to answer to (well, you know, if I had the money to do all those things).  Other times, I wish I had someone reeling me in a bit.

I often compare myself to the people around me...Most of my friends are married people, or coupled up.  I think, "What's wrong with me?  Am I just not meant to have someone special in my life?  I mean damn, I think I'm a pretty good catch."

Sometimes I think maybe I've had missed opportunities in my younger days because I didn't exactly exude confidence in myself.  I never felt worthy of anyone because I didn't really love myself.  I've always kind of felt that until I love myself, then no one else could ever love me.  Now that I've finally come around to being comfortable in my own skin (for the most part), I'm finding that the other part hasn't caught up either so that's probably just a bunch of crap.

I know that relationships aren't perfect... It would just be nice to experience something other than me.  It would be nice to have someone to do things with, to maybe eventually come home to, to sit around with at home and watch TV with, to cook a nice dinner for (while they clean up the kitchen), to share a bed with, to feel a warmth against me, to have an argument with, to piss me off to the depths of my fiery, Aries soul, but then to make up with...

But I also have a bit of social retardism.  I have a hard time chatting with new random strangery people.  I'm not comfortable with the online dating thing - I've tried it a couple of times.  Maybe I need more than a couple of times... It's just weird to me.  I have a hard time opening up and trusting people... which is kind of key any relationshipy situation.  I also have a fear of rejections... it's deep-seeded... it goes back to middle/high school years.  I'd like to let it go, but damn it's still there.

I feel like I could wish my life away for all the things I want.  At the same time, I need to get comfortable with the fact that it just may not happen for me.  Or maybe one day  it will, when I least expect it... 

01/02/13

So, I'll be completely honest... I love being loved!  I mean, who doesn't?  Who doesn't like the little extra special touches that the people in your life can add to make you feel extra special.  Whether it's a friend, family member, co-worker, significant other, or random stranger, when someone goes out of their way to do nice things, it's always makes your day.  Don't lie... you know it does.

Not to be snotty or anything, but I like being that person who adds those special touches. I like to make people happy and surprise them.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can do something nice for someone.  I like baking special treats for their birthdays.  I like remembering and bringing to light those little inside jokey moments in a creative way...  It just shows that I pay attention and care about the little things that make up personalities of the people around me.

Well, today... I got to be pleasantly surprised.  My co-worker and good friend, Donna (who I also refer to as my Work Momma), took care of me today.  A while back she brought in this beautiful fabric.  She had bought it to make some things for her daughter-in-law for Christmas.  I absolutely adored the colors and pattern.  Well, it turns out that she had some left.  She made me two beautiful pillows...

Don't you love that fabric??  She added her signature flowers!  Totally beautiful and amazing, just like Donna is!  I love that woman.  She said it bugged her this year that she was not my Secret Santa and she still wanted to do something for me.  I'm so glad she did! 

01/01/13

I always say that I'm going to start blogging, but then I never really feel as if I have anything to say. Or sometimes, I may have lots to say but some things are better left unsaid...at least in a public forum. I mean, I guess this isn't something I have to do every day, nor does it have to be profound. So, we'll just start with what I did today.

I started off the new year by coming home, drinking some coffee, and watching a little Beavis and Butthead Netflix. Eventually, I stepped on the scale - realizing that I've kept off about 32 pounds this year. I'd like to try to take off another 50 to that by the end of 2013. I played around with some Wii exercises. I listened to some "New Year's" songs - Death Cab for Cutie's, The New Year. I came across an ABBA New Year's song, which I laughed at, listened to, and sent to a friend. I went to my grandma's for a traditional New Years Day feast - cabbage, black eye peas, etc... it hasn't brought me luck yet, but I still do it. I ended the day with teary cryface times while watching Les Miserables. It's probably the closet thing to a religious experience I've felt in a long time...sad, but true.

I guess that about sums it up.