08/05/14

I pick stupid things to get aggravated about. I sweat the small stuff too much. I feel like I owe everyone, when sometimes I should just say, "Hey, thanks for getting that for me. I appreciate it." 

I feel like my grandma did so much for me growing up that I need to help take care of things for her now that she's getting older.

And my mom has helped me out a lot over the past few years, financially, that I feel like I owe her too. 

I'm told in both these cases that I should feel this way. But internally, I feel like I do. Even though, they wouldn't have done it if they didn't want to, or didn't have the means. It's exhausting to feel this way all the time. I go though phases where I pretend I to be selfish and "do what I want to do", but this nagging guilt is always there, festering under the surface.

I know I'm the hardest on myself. I know no one probably cares about all of this as much as I do.  I wish I had a way to make it better and just not worry about it.

07/15/13

Today's been a little emotional draining. Mood swing extravaganza.

It started this morning with something as stupid as IT issues on a Monday morning - kinda set the pace for the day.  Several people seemed kinda needy... really, that's nothing new, but today it didn't help things.

Sometimes, if people would take a second and look over work stuff BEFORE they start asking me questions, I wouldn't get so annoyed.  I'm not perfect, I know.  However, sometimes they just get all hyped up, rather than taking a methodical approach to figure something out for themselves.  AHHHH.  Where I'm one who doesn't ask a question until I've exhausted every which way I know how...

But I'm always there, ready to help, willing to lend a hand... because that's my nature.  And I won't turn anyone down... I expect the same out of others (except sometimes I get let down).

And from annoyance leads to a dismal feeling about the state of things... the world around me.  I think I need to take a break from the news for a while.  Sometimes, I wish I could live a life - head stuck in the sand.  Why does everything have to seem so shitty?  Sometimes, it just feels like there's nothing to look forward to in the world.  So much division, so much fighting.  Why the fuck can't we just get along?  Thinking about this stuff made me downright weepy around lunchtime.  I didn't, but I wanted too.

Then, I left work in a rush - clocked out at 5:01.  Got the hell out of there.  Went to a birthday dinner for a while.  Saw my dad for a little while during and after.  I love my dad.  He's the best dad ever.  He gave me green beans they cooked -- fresh from the garden.  I forgot his zucchini bread and his t-shirt.  At least I remembered get my brother's chocolate to him this time.

I did my best to keep my cool, the best I know how... whether it be sending a passive aggressive complainy text message to a person or who outside of the situations, keeping my mouth shut, taking deep breaths, or going up to one of my co-workers bending down to whisper a complaint, then lightly bang my head against her desk to display my frustration (which kinda makes us both laugh), and sometimes pretending I didn't hear what was being said hoping someone else would field that query.

That worked, until I got home... I cried a little.  Sometimes I just need to get it out of  my system.  It does make me feel a little better. Tears for humanity, or the lack thereof though... kinda depressing.