11/17/14

"I'm gonna put some rope lights around my, uh, balcony and I'll play C&C Music Factory. That's my holiday. It's all about getting the light into the darkness.  You can't fight darkness with darkness."  -Jen Kirkman, I Seem Fun podcast

I needed that.  I'm starting to get a little gloomy.

08/29/14

I once said to someone, "I feel like we've broken up, but there's nothing to be broken." 

This article kinda captures that that feeling:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/werent-together-yet-still-broke/696524/

08/11/14

A Lloyd Dobler and his boombox-like grand gesture... I want to be a recipent of something like that one day. Okay, so not quite in every sense of the whole idea of that, but I think you catch my drift.

I don't know why I have been thinking of that lately, but I am. It's redonkulous because that's a movie... Things like that don't happen in real life. I want to live in a world that it could happen, but I know better than to think that exists. And probably not for people like me. 

08/05/14

I pick stupid things to get aggravated about. I sweat the small stuff too much. I feel like I owe everyone, when sometimes I should just say, "Hey, thanks for getting that for me. I appreciate it." 

I feel like my grandma did so much for me growing up that I need to help take care of things for her now that she's getting older.

And my mom has helped me out a lot over the past few years, financially, that I feel like I owe her too. 

I'm told in both these cases that I should feel this way. But internally, I feel like I do. Even though, they wouldn't have done it if they didn't want to, or didn't have the means. It's exhausting to feel this way all the time. I go though phases where I pretend I to be selfish and "do what I want to do", but this nagging guilt is always there, festering under the surface.

I know I'm the hardest on myself. I know no one probably cares about all of this as much as I do.  I wish I had a way to make it better and just not worry about it.

07/22/14

"I am biting my lip...As confidence is speaking to me.

I loosen my grip from my palm...Put it on your knee." 

"Give Out" -  Sharon Van Etten

Saw her at Forecastle this year. Loved her. Can't stop listening now that I'm home and settled in for the night.

06/23/14

"He's creature of habit..or so it seems. But sometimes I do little things for myself that make me feel closer to him." --Me

That's from a journal entry I wrote back on July 8, 2014. It's a little out of context, but I do not wish to share more. I like it though. And I still do some of those little things. It's all an illusion, but sometimes it's nice to have something...even if it's not really anything at all.

05/01/14

It's been a while since I've written anything.  I read back through some older posts and I feel like nothing much has changed.  Still seem to be following the same cycle, but I have to want to change it.  I guess I'm just not quite ready yet.  Sooner or later, something's gotta give... maybe.  I don't know.

08/18/13

A night of music and reflection, with an occasional lyric that makes my heart hurt because it get right down to the dark place I carry around with me.  This is how the past few Sunday nights have been.  I'm not sure I like it, but I'll be fine.  I'll get over it.  I'll go on about my way.

07/30/12

This poem popped into my head the other day; I've been thinking about since.  I didn't remember all of it, but there were some parts that stuck out.  I searched for it, found it, read it, and decided to share.  Here you go.

The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniel

07/15/13

Today's been a little emotional draining. Mood swing extravaganza.

It started this morning with something as stupid as IT issues on a Monday morning - kinda set the pace for the day.  Several people seemed kinda needy... really, that's nothing new, but today it didn't help things.

Sometimes, if people would take a second and look over work stuff BEFORE they start asking me questions, I wouldn't get so annoyed.  I'm not perfect, I know.  However, sometimes they just get all hyped up, rather than taking a methodical approach to figure something out for themselves.  AHHHH.  Where I'm one who doesn't ask a question until I've exhausted every which way I know how...

But I'm always there, ready to help, willing to lend a hand... because that's my nature.  And I won't turn anyone down... I expect the same out of others (except sometimes I get let down).

And from annoyance leads to a dismal feeling about the state of things... the world around me.  I think I need to take a break from the news for a while.  Sometimes, I wish I could live a life - head stuck in the sand.  Why does everything have to seem so shitty?  Sometimes, it just feels like there's nothing to look forward to in the world.  So much division, so much fighting.  Why the fuck can't we just get along?  Thinking about this stuff made me downright weepy around lunchtime.  I didn't, but I wanted too.

Then, I left work in a rush - clocked out at 5:01.  Got the hell out of there.  Went to a birthday dinner for a while.  Saw my dad for a little while during and after.  I love my dad.  He's the best dad ever.  He gave me green beans they cooked -- fresh from the garden.  I forgot his zucchini bread and his t-shirt.  At least I remembered get my brother's chocolate to him this time.

I did my best to keep my cool, the best I know how... whether it be sending a passive aggressive complainy text message to a person or who outside of the situations, keeping my mouth shut, taking deep breaths, or going up to one of my co-workers bending down to whisper a complaint, then lightly bang my head against her desk to display my frustration (which kinda makes us both laugh), and sometimes pretending I didn't hear what was being said hoping someone else would field that query.

That worked, until I got home... I cried a little.  Sometimes I just need to get it out of  my system.  It does make me feel a little better. Tears for humanity, or the lack thereof though... kinda depressing.

07/14/13

That moment when you kinda know you've "listened" to a song several times over the years, but then you LISTEN to it and it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Yeah, that just happened.
David Gray - Red Moon - Album: Lost Songs

07/07/13

"But the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favors, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them. The moon affects her as it does a woman, he thought.”

---the Old Man's view of the sea, Ernest Hemingway---The Old Man and the Sea.

06/18/13

Had a dream I met a dude I really liked. He was an actor.  Apparently he was gay and I wasn't picking up on it. Walking around one night, we were talking.

He says, "I play all of my lead characters the same way........Gay. Because that's what I am.......Gay.

I reply, "This happens to me too many times in life."

Fin.

06/12/13 - Music is my religion.

I totally don't mean to be a total, annoying Jason Isbell fan girl, but I'm still kinda new to him. I've been infatuated with him since I saw him open for Ryan Adams. His new album, released yesterday, is one of those works that makes me feel like I've been to church when I really needed it...an overwhelming sense of release and relief, a weight off my shoulders, and tears to my eyes. It's beautiful. Or maybe I'm just emotional. But seriously, go listen to this...

05/20/13

For a Monday, this hasn't been the worst of Mondays...but this afternoon has made me feel kinda on edge. 16 more minutes and I can get out of here.

05/16/13 (posted 05/19/13)

It's been a while. I haven't felt like I've had much to say, even those my head is screaming at me, at times. 

Anywoo...this isn't really the place for those things.  I guess I'll leave this with a quote for tonight.

I read this passage the other day in "Tender Is The Night." I wanted to read something else by Fitzgerald...Gatsby was the only thing I've read previously. I bought the book months ago, but was caught up in a bit of Hemingway and smut reading mania. 

Anyway, this passage caught my eye...not that I've ever been in love (Like, yes. Lust, yes. But sadly, I suppose, never love.). It does seem to go through the motions, when observing other people's relations. However, I do like the happier stages best...don't we all?

"They were still in the happier stage of love. They were full of brave illusions about each other, tremendous illusions, so that the communion of self with self seemed to be on a plane where no other human relations mattered. They both seemed to have arrived there with an extraordinary innocence as though a series of pure accidents had driven them together, so many accidents that at last they were forced to conclude that they were for each other."

And although this passage isn't a part of a necessarily ideal situation...or even honorable. It's still a nice feeling to feel a connection of some kind...even if the situation is imperfect, I suppose.

02/17/13

I'm not having a great day today.  General state of wonkiness.  I didn't sleep well.  Once I did sleep, I woke up late.  I felt like half the day was already over.  I wasn't going to shower, but then I did...so, at least I did that much.  I wanted to get lunch with someone, but by the time I got mid-text I deleted it because usually spur of the moment doesn't work out and I don't feel like going far.  Usually formal plans have to be made... I was going to go out by myself, but I can be by myself at home all the same and well...I don't need to be tempted to spend money and I don't need to waste the gas. But, I'll be off Friday for a "super-happy-fun day" with Robin (and Luke Bryan), so I'll just wait until then. I'm going to watch history documentaries and biographies on Netflix... because the programming on TV channels related to those topics are horrendous anymore.  And maybe, eventually I'll feel like eating something more substantial today.

02/14/13: Part 2

I may need to avoid Facebook today - that's already about to make me puke.

02/14/13

Obligatory "Grrr, I hate Valentine's Day post."  Secretly (or not so secretly), I want to love it.

I didn't get yesterday's mail in until this morning.  My mom delivered a card to my mailbox at some point.  I bought myself my box of Dove truffles a couple weeks ago; I got her a box of Dove truffles too (at Christmad she was all about the Dove truffle Christmas tree.  She said she said her valentine's people usually wait until it's too late to buy them and they're sold out...
Kandi got me a white scarf that I've been looking for and some Reese Peanut Butter hearts. YAY.  I'm wearing my scarf and the shirt I want to wear it with tomorrow.  

However, I can't have my chocolate until after Lent though... poor planning on my part.  Oh well.

I had the idea that I was going to make a red velvet poke cake for work, but when I went to buy red velvet mix, I couldn't find any.  I was mainly doing it for one gal who has been working from home...she comes in to work maybe twice a month now.  But then secretly, I was kind of glad that I couldn't find any red velvet cake mix because it's Valentine's Day and it's cliché and I didn't want to be one of those people.

Then I thought about just doing cupcakes... and then I was like NO, I'm not giving in.  I hate Valentine's Day (even though I secretly want to love it).

Newlywed gal on our team is off work today because she wanted to take off for Valentine's Day.  Well, blah to that... (even though I secretly want to do the same thing if I had someone around to spend it with).

Oh well... If you're in love and are all "Yay, Valentine's Day."  Good for you; I'm secretly happy for it.  But I'm going to ignore your happiness and not tell you Valentine's Day.

Happy Thursday.

02/12/13

I haven't had much to say lately, but I haven't given up.

Today's thought:  Sometimes a lady just needs to read a smutty book... and that's what I'm doing.  Thank you, Megan Hart.