11/17/14

"I'm gonna put some rope lights around my, uh, balcony and I'll play C&C Music Factory. That's my holiday. It's all about getting the light into the darkness.  You can't fight darkness with darkness."  -Jen Kirkman, I Seem Fun podcast

I needed that.  I'm starting to get a little gloomy.

08/29/14

I once said to someone, "I feel like we've broken up, but there's nothing to be broken." 

This article kinda captures that that feeling:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/werent-together-yet-still-broke/696524/

08/11/14

A Lloyd Dobler and his boombox-like grand gesture... I want to be a recipent of something like that one day. Okay, so not quite in every sense of the whole idea of that, but I think you catch my drift.

I don't know why I have been thinking of that lately, but I am. It's redonkulous because that's a movie... Things like that don't happen in real life. I want to live in a world that it could happen, but I know better than to think that exists. And probably not for people like me. 

08/05/14

I pick stupid things to get aggravated about. I sweat the small stuff too much. I feel like I owe everyone, when sometimes I should just say, "Hey, thanks for getting that for me. I appreciate it." 

I feel like my grandma did so much for me growing up that I need to help take care of things for her now that she's getting older.

And my mom has helped me out a lot over the past few years, financially, that I feel like I owe her too. 

I'm told in both these cases that I should feel this way. But internally, I feel like I do. Even though, they wouldn't have done it if they didn't want to, or didn't have the means. It's exhausting to feel this way all the time. I go though phases where I pretend I to be selfish and "do what I want to do", but this nagging guilt is always there, festering under the surface.

I know I'm the hardest on myself. I know no one probably cares about all of this as much as I do.  I wish I had a way to make it better and just not worry about it.

07/22/14

"I am biting my lip...As confidence is speaking to me.

I loosen my grip from my palm...Put it on your knee." 

"Give Out" -  Sharon Van Etten

Saw her at Forecastle this year. Loved her. Can't stop listening now that I'm home and settled in for the night.

06/23/14

"He's creature of habit..or so it seems. But sometimes I do little things for myself that make me feel closer to him." --Me

That's from a journal entry I wrote back on July 8, 2014. It's a little out of context, but I do not wish to share more. I like it though. And I still do some of those little things. It's all an illusion, but sometimes it's nice to have something...even if it's not really anything at all.

05/01/14

It's been a while since I've written anything.  I read back through some older posts and I feel like nothing much has changed.  Still seem to be following the same cycle, but I have to want to change it.  I guess I'm just not quite ready yet.  Sooner or later, something's gotta give... maybe.  I don't know.